I've been very hard on myself lately. I don't know why it usually happens when I am PMSing, and this time it lingered too long. I even forgot to tap most of the time! You see, in my head there is always the perfect choice, and I should be smart enough to know which one is it ands make it. If only this was the case! Stepping out of my own internal monologue for a sec, I come to realize (or to remember my psychologist words) that thre is no such thing as perfection, and that I am wasting lots of energy pursuing something that doesn't exist. I have a need to control the environment and to make it perfect, hence my fixation on perfect choices. (My psychologist would say "you made a mistake, maybe. So what?". And I though it was brilliant, I could never ask myself "so what?" on my own....)
My last "imperfect" choice (at least the one ocuppying my mind lately) has to do with my move to Israel. Which has to do with what's really important for me in life. At the moment of making the choice to leave the States it seemed the best option for us ( we are not US citizens), but as everything there are pros and cons, and uprooting a family was not easy. I know the choice was made together with my dear hubby, but I feel guilty and my mind plays incessantly the "what if" scenario (of course it plays only the scenario in which "I" made the wrong choice). What's done is done, and we have been here for two and a half years already, almost three. Why do I feel so guilty then? Am I going to live the rest of my life torturing myself with "what if", "I made the wrong choice", "what was I thinking", etc? My life has been a blessed one, I have an amazing hubby, two awesome kids, a family that loves me, we are healthy and we have no economic problems (we are currently licving on one income since I was laid off my job, but we are managing). Still, as my grandma said to me yesterday, we are not happy with what we have and we always want more. And she's right.
What do I want that I don't have? I want to have my own home (not renting, just to have my own), I want a job that I like, I want to have close friends near me (my closest friends are living in different countries). I want to feel that I belong somewhere, I want to feel I'm home (When I bring this up hubby says that if we are together, wherever we are we are home. That's very comforting ans sweet.)
And when I read/hear about disasters, divorce, cheating husbands, sickness, crime, etc, I feel guilty of not realizing how blessed I am every moment, because I have the most important things, I really have all in need.
Surfing the net as I always do, I "stumbled upon" a nice blog with
50 questions to ask ourselves . That gave me a lot of material for thought. I think I need to answer most of them to gain some perspective. And also, I need to remember to keep tapping.
I suffer from migraines since childhood. I was told that chocolate is the main culprit, and that was bad news since I adore chocolate, especially around "those days". Anyway, it not just chocolate what brings my migraines, but a whole army of triggers, ranging from aged cheese, to barometric changes. Right, like I control those... (in truth, sometimes and cannot even control my chocolate cravings...especially when i am with PMS).
My last migraines was a couple of days ago. I tried EFT on it, and although it makes it a little more manageable, to this day I haven't been able to totally suppress a migraine with EFT. The difference this time was that I had a bloodshot eye along with my migraine, for the first time. It was completely red an d itchy. I googled it "migraine bloodshot eye" and receive lots of results saying that it can be an accompanying nuisance, especially because it happened of the same side as my migraine.
I dodn't know how to deal with a bloodshot eye. It's not pinkeye. I decided to make some chamomille tea to wash it with, as I do when the kids have pinkeye. While the tea was cooling, I did one round of EFT.
Even though I have this bloodshot, completely red and itchy eye, I totally and completely accept myself
Reminder phrase: "this itchy bloodshot eye"
One round! And the redness was gone. That was incredible! The first time I got relief from EFT so fast!
It's been almost a month since my last post. Time goes fast!! And a new year is here, a 365-page blank book to be written by us as we live each day. So far 6 pages are written, and I have most of the book left. What do I want for this year? This is my list, the structure of my 2010 book:
Things to keep as they are:
my great family, my two beautiful kids, the best hubby in the world, and our love for each other.
Things I would like to improve:
health - I can be skinnier, migraine- and asthma-free,
habits - I need to: drink more water, laugh more, be present, be mindful, eat mt veggies, do more exercise, love me more, criticize less
Things I would like to lose:
worries, perfectionism, self-criticism, doubts, fears, excuses
Things I would like to get:
a new job, find what I am supposed to do in this life, make more friends, buy a house.
I guess my list is not so bad. I don't like to make new year resolutions, I think I haven't done that much anyway. So this is not much a resolution as it is a guide for my new year, a compass to guide me to what is really important for me.
What would you write in your book?
Happy new year!! May 2010 be the best year so far :D
I shared in the previous post my need for perfection, my inner perfectionist working extra hours :) This week I had an "aha" moment (is it coincidence that it came after I tapped for my need for perfection?). A person close to my heart shared with me some grief feelings she has had for a long, long time.
I must declare at this point that I am going through this EFT journey alone (not in cyberspace alone, but in real life) because I am not ready to share what I am learning with my friends and family. Why? First, my family is not very "energy-oriented" if I can call it like that, not so open to the idea of energy blockages and such. In my mind, sharing my EFT learning would yield to a "you're learning WHAT?" and the ensuing jokes and laughing at my/EFT expense. I am not ready for that, not yet. But after tapping on my need for perfection in the last couple of days, it occurred to me that this "not being ready" also has to do with perfection. Because if EFT was a mainstream, totally proven technique (in other words, "perfect"), then I wouldn't have this uneasiness at sharing it with anybody in need. I think.
Second, as I shared previously, I don't feel I mastered EFT yet, not even close. I am wetting my feet in it, so to speak. So I cannot share my EFT
until I am perfect doing it. Second "aha". Lots of things to think about.
Back to what happened. As I was listened to this dear person speak, I couldn't bring myself to offer him EFT. I was painfully aware of my limiting beliefs and my "being in the closet", but I just nodded empathetically and heard him out, as a friend. I need to work on that... Because I have much less of a problem offering EFT to strangers and/or casual acquaintances than to family and close friends.
Has anybody else had the same issue? What helped you overcome it?
Happy tapping!
I admit I am a bit of a perfectionist, and that I am very hard on myself: I hold very high expectations, and often fall short of them. I forget I am not supposed to be perfect, and I always compare myself with people in the "top ten" of anything that occupies my mind at the moment. Interestingly, it doesn't cross my mind to compare myself with the rest of the people, maybe I would find I am in a good position after all? My psychologist, who treated me for depression recently, used to say that I have issues with control, and with being perfect, what in itself it's a recipe for failure: I cannot be always in control, and I cannot be perfect or make perfect choices.
The first time she said that it took me for surprise: What, am I NOT supposed to be perfect or make perfect choices? For her it was so obvious; for me it was a revelation. It takers me ages to order a book from Amazon (it has to be the perfect choice: if I already spend money, it MUST be a good choice), or to buy shoes. Well, it takes me ages to buy anything actually; I am the opposite of a shopaholic I guess, since I don't buy on impulse, but only after several rounds of price-checking and reviews-reading. Often I make a pretty good choice, and the times I make a lousy one I keep reliving it in my mind, replaying it again and again, and beating myself up for being so careless and not thinking it through a little more. Which of course is a waste of energy and leaves me very upset and angry at myself.
I read many times that mistakes are just lessons in disguise, if only I could internalize it! I like especially the following phrase by Al Franken "Mistakes are a part of being human. Appreciate your mistakes for what they are: precious life lessons that can only be learned the hard way. Unless it's a fatal mistake, which, at least, others can learn from."
Here goes my tapping:
First I assess that my need for perfection and making perfect choices is a 9 out of 10. Pretty high number :)
First round:
Even though I need to be perfect and make perfect choices, I totally and completely accept myself.
Reminder phrase: "need for perfection and perfect choices"
After the first round, I started yawning, which according to Gary Craig means that something is moving, I am releasing energy blockages.
Second round:
Even though I still need to be perfect and make perfect choices, I totally and completely accept myself.
Reminder phrase: "Remanining need for perfection and perfect choices"I am yawning a lot more, but I am not sure how to evaluate the number. But as I am thinking this, a little voice in my head says "just guess, it doesn't have to be the perfect number" I have to keep tapping, but I guess something is already changing.
Happy tapping!
